black and white and grey

although this may come as a shock to you, being that i'm a pastor's wife and all, i'm not a big fan of what people refer to as "devotions" or daily quiet time. now, that doesn't mean i don't agree with the principle behind it or the need we have to be disciplined. i'm with those things. we need quiet. we need focus. we need to read the Bible. i'm just not into the legalism that comes with "devotions" an the guilt that creeps in each time we don't sit every single day and do our "due diligence". i actually just like the idea of wanting to read the Bible, whether it's every single day or not doesn't matter. i like the idea of actually studying it when i can, and doing my best to talk to God as constantly as possible.

sounds good, right?

excepttt, i'm not super-great at it.

as moms, as humans, really, it's almost against our nature to do what is best for us, what is right for us. even if we want to or even enjoy that thing (in spiritual matters, i mean). our hearts and minds are pulled constantly away from God and distracted easily (and even intentionally) by any number of things. we sometimes even like putting other things before God or in place of God, and it's a shameful struggle so many of us secretly battle alone. i was reading my friend jessi's blog recently and reading it stirred up a challenge for me personally to study more and read more. to not let my day get the best of me, to not rest on the laurels of motherhood and the challenges it presents, but instead make a choice. make a decision to live better and more fully the life i WANT to live.

and for me, that life requires more Jesus and less michelle. more focus and less distraction. more time and less excuses. more Bible and less laundry. (now we're talkin!!)

enter: a little study on john 14 with the help of http://bible.org.

at this point in my spiritual walk, almost decades into my faith, just straight reading the Bible isn't enough anymore. not because i've read it all, because i haven't. or because i know it all, because i definitely don't. mostly because i want to REALLY know what was written on those ancient manuscripts, and since i don't quite know hebrew or greek, in my opinion, when reading current translations of the Bible, a LOT gets lost in translation, if you will. and honestly, words can become all too familiar when you've heard or read certain things again and again. so for me, i really like to read with a commentary when i can (and i really can't and don't always), to get a fuller meaning on what i read. and more often to help me understand what i'm reading, because for real, Jesus talks circles around us common folk with His double-meanings, parables, metaphors, and the like.

i just want to share a few thoughts that challenged me this morning and i'll probably only get through one of the verses in this posting. the rest i'll come back to if you want to continue studying with me :)

i tend to feel like the book of john can be one of the more challenging books in the Bible, mostly because there are so many

of Jesus'

teachings , which to me are some of the most important and most fascinating to read. here's what the commentary had to say (in yellow), and some questions for us all:

John 14:6 "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through me." This is a verse that a lot of people aren't big fans of, eh? In our world, many people believe that there are a lot of different was to "get to" God, even that there are more than one God. For me, the jury is still out on how "generous" God is in terms of whom he'll allow into his Kingdom and not. For me it's complicated, not just black and white, or "you're in, and you're out". We'll get back to that later.

Initially we might suspect a copula (word linking subject and predicate) with three predicates...the first would be

similar to John 10:7, 9: “I am the door”—that is, the way of entrance. The second would relate to Jesus’ statement in 8:31-32, “you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” The third sounds similar to 11:25, where Jesus says “I am the resurrection and the life.”

However, the context suggests that the three ideas are not strictly coordinate. The next statement (“no one comes to the Father except through me”) seems to relate primarily to the first predicate, “I am the way”. Thus we suggest that the two remaining predicates, the truth and the life, are epexegetical or explanatory to the first: “I am the way, that is, the truth and the life.”

But what does this mean? Jesus is the way—the only avenue of access to the Father and thus to salvation (the “door” of 10:7, 9)—because he is the truth (the sole revelation of the Father who is the end and goal of the journey—cf. 1:18). Note that this is not, in context, an ontological (relating to or based upon being or existence...umm, very philosophical) statement but a statement of who Jesus is in relation to men.

Jesus is also the way because he is the life—the source and giver of the life from above. Just as in the original creation he was the giver of physical life (see John 1:3-4. The "Word" being Jesus, his presence at the beginning of the creation of all things. Jesus always was, just as God always has been), so in the new creation he is the giver of life from above (cf. 3:5-8). Again, this is a description of Jesus in terms of his relation to men (10:10). Brown remarks: “It is noteworthy that zwhv, “life,” which occurs thirty-two times in the Book of Signs (the first few chapters in the book of John), occurs only four times in the Book of Glory (the last couple chapters in the book of John). Now that “the hour” is at hand, life is actually being given and need not be talked about.”

i guess i just enjoyed the thought that Jesus is the Way BECAUSE he is the truth, he IS truth. and that He alone gives us life in his death. and that in his truth, we find freedom. that in the beginning he gave life, and in his death gives NEW life, and NEW freedom that is only possible through Him. as i mentioned before this rouses an interesting debate, though mostly (not entirely) between non-christians and christians about whether Jesus is exclusively "the Way" to God. i have my own thoughts and opinions on this, but i really want to hear yours.

for me, the Bible isn't something i feel i need to protect and guard. it's been around for centuries for a reason. it doesn't need me to help it stand up against questions and curiosities. jesus told the disciples later in John that the Holy Spirit would continue to teach them after he was gone. truth is, those who don't have the Holy Spirit will struggle to understand the truths of the Word. heck, i struggle with them. all i do know is that what the Bible contains changes lives and teaches love and a better way to be. i'm not afraid to ask questions that will help me understand my faith more and challenge me to grow in my faith. that's what questions do. that's how Jesus taught, no? by asking questions.

so what do you think?? believer or not- do you feel like Jesus is THE Way?

are you black?

are you white?

or are you in the grey?

read this book

okay, i have a handful of half-written blogs, and i just have too many ideas, too many thoughts, too many house projects, and too many vacation photos to get them finished. i am literally my own worst enemy sometimes because i just am incapable of being brief or inexhaustive. i have an acute ability to make blogging painstaking. lol. someone save me from myself!

so. i've been reading a lot of good books in the past few weeks, and i'm almost done with my music, movies, & books posts (when you read them you'll see what i mean about my attention to detail problem), but i have to inject a book plug before my actual post because this book is so necessary. especially for "christians" but not exclusively. the message of this book is poignant for any one who considers themself spiritual or religious in any regard, and for those who have been hurt or turned off by "christians" or "the church" at large. this book feels like the pinnacle of unarticulated thoughts that have been in my heart and mind for months...even years.

so here is my plug. go buy this book. then go read this book. NOW. right now. this minute. and then tell me what you think.

what, you need more than me telling you what to do? ;) geesh. okay. here is a spot of the co-author on cnn talking a bit about the book. the book is refreshing, smart, well-written and researched, and EXACTLY what any Jesus follower ought to be thinking and feeling, in my opinion. i'm SO over people in the media giving my faith a bad name. and i'm SO over people who call themselves christians being obsessed with politics, "saving people," all the while hating gays and having too much to say that has nothing to do with what Jesus taught. i'm sick of christian jargon, christian marketing, and psychotic anti-abortion protesters. DONE with it.

it's time for a new generation of "the Way" and the Way is not about agendas or activists or "us vs. them". eew.

it's about loving people, accepting people, helping people, being real, and being the change we want to see. like gandhi said, man.

so despite myself, something just came surging out, even if it's not concise or witty or well thought out. i don't even care. that's how important i think this book is for the future of believers and those we know and love.

so has anyone already read this book? anyone have any thoughts on "christians" they want to throw out there?

joy in the hard times

and now...back to your regularly scheduled programming...

i should be doing the dishes right now, and flipping a load of laundry, seeing as how i managed to avoid both like the bubonic plague today. but i'd rather say hello to you folks. dishes and laundry are for losers.

so i've been submerged in books over the past week, and finished up two that were on my "books i need to have lists" 1 and 2. i read kite runner by hosseini (beautifully written. a masterpiece) and outliers by gladwell (fascinating, intriguing, and smart). both fantastic. just as i'd hoped. both i read within two day spans. they sort of required and demanded the reader to be completely submerged. all in. and that's cool, except when you shirk all other responsibilities. namely, watching your kids. if you haven't read either of those books, they're worth the read. and last week was a great week. some nice birthday celebrations, lots of playing with toys, lots of reading. enjoyable. busy as the week wrapped up, but nice.

as saturday rolled around, i got some bad news about my uncle randy. he has cancer that's now spread, and he's not doing well. he's not a blood uncle, but i'm far closer to him than any of my actual aunts or uncles, so it's kind of like getting news that one of your parents is terminally ill. deeply saddening. heart-breaking. and the last time i saw him was the night before piper was born. which was 10 months ago...and boy that time has flown. so i miss him, which is compounded with the sadness of thinking of losing someone who means so much to me. i'm praying for God to do a miracle, though, and i have been for months, and i am praying that Jesus will nudge him a little. Jesus is the way to hope and life eternal. and i want that for everyone.

so this weekend was hard for me. the news actually made me physically ill, which is not something i've ever experienced. and since it was a murky and grey weekend, i was just feeling melancholy, which is not an approach or disposition that i tend to have. i felt like so many people were sad, too, not just me, which made me even sadder. if i'm to be honest, it was almost out-of-body for me because it felt so unfamiliar or contradictory or opposed to my personality. it made me glad that i'm an upbeat person, but it allowed me to really appreciate how true my emotions were.

i have a much better peace today than i did over the weekend. it's hard to be sad, especially when elias crawls up on my lap, wipes a tear with the back of his fingers, and says "don't be sad, mum. it's okay." and then proceeds to wipe the tears onto my dress, which makes me laugh. and then him laugh. kids are good for bringing cheer, aren't they?

please pray for my uncle randy, and that he might find the Lord in this difficult time. more than anything, it's a reminder that our life here isn't what we're living for, despite how gut-wrenching loss can be. i am grateful to serve a God who can remind me that his plans are not my plans, and i ought to be living my life every day like the Kingdom is at hand.

finding joy in hard times is easier said than done, though, isn't it?

life in the fishbowl

maybe some of you are wondering what it's like to be a pastor's wife. not because you want to be one. oh, no, no one wants to be one :) but because for some reason it seems like being a pastors wife is a "role" in the same way a "pastor" is. like i must play the piano...right? and teach sunday school, sing in the choir, and run vbs or something? you might also think that my kids are angels, or that i don't lose my temper, or that i have it all together. you might think that my hair is always done, and i like to cook dinner every night, and i'm never annoyed or frustrated or selfish or rude or unkind. welll, not exactly.

see, what you're thinking of...is a saint. and i am not a saint. i just so happened to be married to a pastor. i'm sure many of you who either grew up with me or knew me in college know that there is no chance in hades i'm a saint.

a little back story: when i started dating dave, he was actually working as a courier and getting his masters in divinity. before that he worked in IT and did some programming, networking, and help desk type work (boy, does that come in handy). and although he worked in youth ministry part time at new hope, if you had asked him if he would follow in his fathers footsteps and become a pastor, he'd have smiled and politely declined. maybe he'd have laughed at you. but it was always a "no thanks."

truth is, being married to a pastor is like being married to a biologist or a salesman, a trucker or a rocket scientist, really. you know- you have a husband, he does a job, he tells you about it when he gets home, etc. i suppose what makes his occupation a bit different is that people really think you're something "more" than you are (kind of like the president and first lady).

see, we don't have a direct line to God, and Jesus doesn't come to our house for dinner each week. although, that would be cool. people for some reason assume i'm perfect and that he's the most godly man around. reality is, God has simply asked him to shepherd people and lead them to the best of his ability. God called him to serve in this way. but lots of people serve others all over the world, every day. the thing with pastors is that many times people view them as more than men.

but they're not.

we're very blessed to have the opportunity to show people who Jesus is. but so does everyone else. quite frankly, the pastor's house and the pastor's family should be pretty much like your family (namely if you love Jesus like we do). since we're no more holy than you, there is no reason your house should be any different than our house. perhaps because of our "roles," we are afforded unique occasions that some other people may not be. and i would say that more ought to be expected of us because people look to those in leadership (in every capacity) as an example (note: do this at your own risk). we just live in what people refer to as "the fishbowl," which means that others tend to observe us more. the advantage in that? we have opportunities to represent Jesus well. and i try to do my best. but that's not my responsibility simply because i married a pastor. that is something that every person should consider.

would you talk to your spouse the same way if Jesus was sitting on your couch?
would you make dinner for Jesus the same way you make dinner for your family?
would you really act how you do, knowing God is everywhere, including in your mind?

people always make jokes to "watch their language" or "act appropriately" because the pastor's around. but i think that's a shame, because we should ALL be acting and living like we serve an omnipresent God. because if you're only thinking about what you say when the pastor's around, you're neglecting to think about the other hundreds of days in your year. and that God knows every thought and hears every word that leaves your lips.

mostly, i want people who meet me or know me to see a little Jesus in me. or even a lot. but you won't find perfection here. you may, on the contrary, see me yelling at my son in the store, or stop by my house at noon to find me still in my bathrobe, bedraggled, and maybe then you'll have a more accurate picture or this awe-inspiring life i lead. fishbowl living can be hard sometimes, to be honest. i never imagined i would be married to a pastor, so it took some getting used to at first. but now, i consider it an amazing opportunity to surprise people with what church looks like, what pastor's wives look like, and why all the preconceptions are irrelevant.

that it's so much LESS about US and so much MORE about Jesus.

i don't think i'm special. and neither should you. i know i'm being a little tongue and cheek here, but it's just that it's not about labels, titles, expectations, or any of that. it's about your heart. and your actions. and your words. and them all lining up. i'm more than a pastor's wife. and you're more than a ___________'s wife. it's a little much to live up to sainthood, although i truly do aspire to be a better representation of Jesus every day. and i strive to support my husband every way i can, the same way any wife would. i just want to be the best michelle i can be. and that michelle will love others and show kindness and whatever else, just like you.

so heck, throw out all your silly notions and misconceptions.
how about this one?!
i like tattoos. AND i'm a pastor's wife. BRING THE HEAT!

a revolutionary named Jesus.

i sat outside this morning with piper, and elias, and a book.

elias ran around the yard, digging in dirt, crawling on dirt piles, getting dirty. that's what he does. piper sat on a blanket with me and smacked toys and smacked me. that's what she does.

and i...opened a book that was on my book list called "the irresistable revolution" by shane claiborne (thanks, kate!)

and i can NOT put it down. i want to be reading it even now as i type.


all i want to say in light of good friday is that jesus made a sacrifice that is very real. HE was very real. following him is not meant to make us feel safe, or comfortable, or good.


i become more and more uncomfortable with my "possessions" and my sinfulness and my "normalness" as i read more about what Jesus said and taught and how he lived.


and i become more and more enchanted the more i picture this man who is also fully God. who is everything we hoped for, but nothing we expected. the one who would suggest that to become the greatest, we would need to become the least. that it's not okay for us to just love the people who deserve it, who we like, who don't ruffle our feathers, who aren't dirty, or annoying, or needy.

but that we must love everyone. especially the least.

if he could die for every one of us, it's the least we can do to show this world a little love, Jesus style.

so today i'm thinking about what it really means to be part of the church, the church of this world, a community of believers. and i feel really blessed to know a God who forgives, who is the picture of justice and unfailing love, and it makes me want to be a better person.

and today, i'm relishing in Jesus' life as a revolutionary, what he can teach me about how to live and love, and what his sacrifice represents for us all.

something to chew on

for the past month or so, dave and i have been reading the cost of discipleship by dietrich bonhoeffer together each night after dinner. i don't know how many of you are familiar with bonhoeffer, but he was a brilliant, courageous, godly martyr who lived in the early 1900's. and when i say brilliant, i mean, blow your mind, hurt your brain type stuff.

thing is, i just can't begin to blog about him, because he is everything i can only aspire to be, and he never thought of himself as anything special (which makes me feel like i have a whole heck of a lot to learn about humility). he's like one of those songs on american idol that simon says is "too big" for the contestant to sing.

so i'm not going to sing.

but i will share a bit that he wrote in our reading the a while back that i really loved:

"so many people come to church with a genuine desire to hear what we have to say, yet they are always going back home with the uncomfortable feeling that we are making it too difficult for them to come to Jesus. are we determined to have nothing to do with all these people? they are convinced that it is not the Word of Jesus himself that puts them off, but the superstructure of human, institutional, and doctrinal elements in our preaching. of course we know all the answers to these objections, and those answers certainly make it easy for us to slide out of our responsibilities. but perhaps it would be just as well to ask ourselves whether we do not in fact often act as obstacles to Jesus and his Word. is it not possible that we cling too closely to our own favourite presentation of the gospel, and to a type of preaching which was all very well in it's own time and place and for the social set-up for which it was originally intended? is there not after all a sense of truth in the contention that our preaching is too dogmatic, and hopelessly irrelevant to life?"

it just strikes me that "the church" faces the same struggles now as it did a century ago. and before that even, i'm sure. he's a little harsh with believers, but i like it. SAY something. i want to THINK. i want to be CHALLENGED. what can we do better on? how can we show the love of Christ to people? what "works" in a church setting? what do people dislike about "christians"? how can we look different and be different than people expect?

in the memoir written about bonhoeffer by g. leibholz, he said "Bonhoeffer stood for what is called Christian Humanism to-day. For he offered his life for a new understanding of the personal life which has its roots in the Christian faith. (...) To Bonhoeffer, Christianity was not the concern of the believing, pious soul who shuts himself up and keeps himself within the bounds of the sacramental sphere. No, according to him Christianity has its place in this world and the Church as The Body of Christ, and the fellowship in him can only be the visible Church."

i love bonhoeffers thoughts on spiritual vitality and his honesty as a believer...nevermind the strength and conviction he held in circumstances that were truly detestable. situations that you and i will likely never have to face, and can't actually imagine. as believers, we really aren't persecuted around here anymore. we're safe in america to be lazy, comfortable, and mediocre. we just add God to our lives like he's an ingredient in our little recipe when He created baking. we're so lame. following Jesus is a way to live and think and act. it's not something to try to fit into the life you feel like living. but that's what we do. i do it. you do it. even though we know better...

okay. that was a rant.

but in all honesty, i am just grateful God created people like dietrich bonhoeffer to challenge me in my faith. i get lost in motherhood so easily. i mean, in the time i've written this, elias has woken up piper from her morning nap after a mere hour, made a ridiculously huge mess with play-doh, and then went on to feed some play-doh to piper. (thank god it's non-toxic. ay-yi-yi.)

as a mom, i need to remember to nurture and feed my brain so i don't start thinking dora the explorer and lightening mcqueen have all the wisdom of the world. it's not always easy :)

anyone else out there finding anything challenging to chew on these days?

the madness.

you all know about the madness, right?

the kind of times in life where you turn around and it's been an entire week? and you don't have any idea where all the time went, exactly?

well. this past week i've been living in the madness. and currently, the war of madness wages on. between not sleeping, because my daughter likes to cry about 6 times every night (get her OUT of my room!), elias getting sick last night and this morning, throwing up...well, everywhere, having play dates (yesterday at monkey joes with ams! and tuesday with lee), trying to finish piper's room, and having dinner guests or plans every day since friday...

i'm spent. more than spent. and i'm sitting here feeling nauseous, just like i have for the past two weeks (oh no, i'm not pregnant...i checked.) and wondering if it's because i'm blimey exhausted or because elias is lending me his sick germs. time will tell :)

(side note: eli calls pukies "mukies" which is about the only cute thing about kids throwing up.)

on the plus side, elias slept through the night last night, even though he still got sick twice already this morning. piper, on the other hand...she did not. what happened to my 2 month old baby that slept through the night!? somebody find her and give her back! and truly, it's been a great week, despite the exhaustion. don't let me fool you with my downtrodden inclinations.

we had a great couples group meeting friday, elias played with our friends (and his obsession) drew and deanna saturday, which gave me a nice break, we had a some really honest and meaningful conversation with our friends jeff and savannah sunday night, we made some progress in piper's room (room is painted, crib is almost painted) on monday, eli and piper got to play with cadence, jaxon, benjamin, and baby lucas this week, i got to take the kids shopping with my mum to find her some new shorts (i love shopping for other people. i considered being a personal shopper at one time. seriously.), and we had dinner with our friends (and eli's infatuation) beth and matt, AND i've sold a couple things on craigslist.

and in all the madness of having piper's room strewn about, now i have pukey laundry, bedding, and the like scattered everywhere. not to mention piled up laundry, and the fact that my daughter, who i've deprived of naps because, darn it, i want to be social, is awake upstairs after a 45 minute nap. grrrr...not gonna cut it. c'mon, piper- SOMEONE'S gotta sleep around here!

but you know what? i'm no defeated mama!

it doesn't matter what our circumstances are, does it? we can do ALL things through Christ who gives us strength. i can't do weeks like these alone. i can't find kind or good words to say in the midst of exhaustion and puking kids. but i CAN with Jesus strength! i can say positive things, i can rely on him instead of myself, and i HAVE to, because if i don't, the madness gets hopeless and suffocating and heavy.

and despite this past week, and if you can see through any of my complaining, i am trying my best to tell myself that sleep will come, wellness will come, and my house will eventually be put back together. and what matters the most is how i can act in and through it.

so i'm gonna hold my boy and snuggle the heck out of him, and i might even brave the outdoors with him and piper so they can get some fresh air! because mamas hold it all together. and i can serve and take care of my little love doves EVEN if i don't feel like i can...or that i want to ;)

as mums, maybe our trials aren't 40 days in a desert, but they are challenging. what do you all do to make it through the madness?

1 Peter 4:11 says "If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ."

crazy hector

i just have to throw this out there for all my girls who watch the bachelor.

if you were some random guy, like jason, with a set of beliefs, whatever they may be, and you sit down with some crazy like hector, naomi's dad, you're gonna want to run and hide.

straight up: people like hector are the reason no one wants ANYTHING to do with Jesus.

because he dives straight into a rant about religion and why jason needs it and i just want to throw up my hands. or throttle him. and smack his face for acting like a nut. i feel like i owe the world an apology on behalf of crazy hector.

why can't people who love Jesus just love people?! why can't they talk about their beliefs openly without indoctrinating people? why do people like hector have to be weird and creepy and judgemental.

don't these people know anything about what Jesus taught?

ugh. it's such a good reminder that we really need to just show people what things God has shown us, share our experiences and blessings, help each other, love each other, and just be different. be the change we want to see, like Gandhi said.

be like Jesus.
don't be a crazy.

maybe hector forgot this verse...
The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. 1 Corinthians 2:14

(side note: see ya later, naomi. i couldn't be more excited! )

the funny thing about christmas

so i have had this thought for a while now...since last christmas, i believe. and it's sort of an inside thought. but every time i think about it i laugh because of the irony. so i must share.

i was thinking about what christmas means to believers. the ENTIRE holiday is wrapped up in Jesus and what his birth (even if it wasn't likely in december...we're over it) and death means for us. very deep implications, here, people. it's about celebrating his birth, his godliness wrapped up in a human package...just for us. whoa. don't worry, i'm getting to the funny ironic part. so Jesus comes to earth again finally after hundreds of years of prophets telling the Jewish people he's coming. and it's SO integral to our faith. his lowly birth, his short but awe-inspiring life, and his death, but mostly, his resurrection. clearly not a human (when was the last time you rose from the dead?), but clearly a human (he cried, he taught, he traveled, he ate and slept). fully God, fully man. easy to understand, right?!

so Jesus is the reason for the season, as they say. those christian marketers. and we agree. because we believe.

here's the kicker: what is the DEAL with the whole rest of this critical world celebrating MY holiday. OUR holiday. it's Jesus' BIRTHDAY. if you're not into the whole "God" and "Jesus" thing, why would you go on celebrating a holiday that is ALL about that?! it makes no sense to me. because presents are cool? because it's fun to hang sparkly trinkets on a coniferous tree?

it's not that i'm not a good sharer. or that i think it's "us" versus "them." quite the contrary. mostly, i just think it's ironic that in a country that pushes Christ out of everything and everywhere they possibly can, they still feel the need to celebrate him every single year. and go ALL out. they celebrate the heck out of Jesus, whether they realize it or not.

truth be told, i like sharing christmas. i love that the most popular christmas songs are songs about Jesus' birth. i love that undeniably, Jesus is what it's all about. what other stories, what other traditions, what other gods have lasted for thousands of years?

answer: none

there's probably no better time to share Jesus with the world than at the holidays.

but you have to admit, it's a bit ironic. and definitely a little funny.