Don't say no one ever told you...

Below is an excerpt from an interview with Elizabeth Gilbert, author of the book Committed (a follow-up of sorts to the ever-popular Eat, Pray, Love). In preparing a discussion for our married couples group tonight, I came across Liz's thoughts on the romanticism of motherhood, which is idealized as much as marriage is. I've started to realize how detrimental it is to romanticize two of the most difficult roles created: mother and wife.

It is an encouragement to me as I read, knowing the weight and significance of both of those life choices, and although I truly adore my husband AND my children both, I realize the implications and impact I do and will continue to have on those people. Forever. (Scary much?)

See, I just want to make it a POSITIVE impact. So today I am grateful I am not alone in such weighty endeavors, but I am supported by the strength of a mighty God, and His Spirit in me. And that's what I need to rely on.

Because let's be frank, if I were relying on myself, my children could be in immediate danger sometimes :)

Committed was an interesting book on marriage in America and what it means to commit your life to someone in the context of history, fidelity, compatibility, family traditions, social expectations, divorce risks, and humbling responsibilities. Here is the interview:

Interviewer: You tell a story in the book that is pivotal for you, about your grandmother. She was born with a cleft palate and thought to be unmarriageable, so she got an education and took care of herself, one day rewarding herself with a $20 fur-trimmed, wine-colored coat, which she adored. Eventually she does marry. And when she gives birth to her first daughter, she cuts up the coat to make something for the child.

Liz Gilbert: That's the story of motherhood, in a large way. You take the thing that is most precious to you, and you cut it up and give it to somebody else who you love more than you love the thing. And we tend to idealize that, and I'm not sure we should. Because the sacrifice that it symbolizes is also huge. Her marriage and her seven children, in a life of constant struggle and deprivation—it was heavy. And that beautiful mind, that beautiful intellect, that exquisite sense of curiosity and exploration, was gone. I went to Africa when I was 19, and when I came back, I was showing her pictures. And I remember her stopping me and just—she had to collect herself. And she said, "I cannot believe that a granddaughter of mine has been to Africa. I just can't imagine how you got there." I think that her story is so central to my story. To be able to choose the shape of your own life—you sort of must do that, as an act of honor to those who couldn't. There were times, especially when I was traveling for Eat, Pray, Love, when, I swear to God, I would feel this weight of my female ancestors, all those Swedish farmwives from beyond the grave who were like, "Go! Go to Naples! Eat more pizza! Go to India, ride an elephant! Do it! Swim in the Indian Ocean. Read those books. Learn a language. Do it!" I could just feel them. They were just like, "Go beat the drum."

So moms, wives, soon-to-be moms or wives, now you can't say no one ever told you how hard it will be (because, really- no one does ever tell you). I'm taking the opportunity to tell you now, straight up, that being married and having children will be THE two most difficult undertakings of your life. And they WILL also be the two most rewarding, as long as you don't think marriage is about happiness, or that raising children is about you.

Cheers, moms, and cheers, wives. Keep loving and sacrificing :)

laying it on thick

i'm making lunch this afternoon and elias is shouts from the toy room:
"mom, it's so great of you that you're making such a nice lunch! thanks, mom!" (note: i'm making annie's mac n cheese and nuggets. not exactly gourmet, but...)

and then he adds:
"you look beautiful today, mom. absolutely beautiful!"

enter: a running piper, pointing up at me, yelling (because piper, aptly named, mostly yells...everything):
"you a beu-eee, mum! a beu-ee!" (yes. she's calling me...a beauty.)

as we sit down for lunch, my kids actually won't stop telling me that i'm a beauty, and that i look beautiful today. must be the sweatpants and no makeup? i found myself trying to change the topic because the flattery from my nearly 4 and sorta almost 2 year old was, uhhh, overwhelming. and sweet and adorable, of course.

now, you may be wondering where my children got these complimetary notions.
do i vainly teach them to shower me with praise?
have they been watching leave it to beaver?
do i brainwash them as some part of the dharma initiative?

funny thing is? it wasn't me. not at all. i have my husband to thank for teaching our kids to always say thank you to whoever prepared the meal (Lord knows it's not always me; dave cooks a lot), and to tell me that i'm beautiful, which they learned from his example and from him encouraging them to tell me "how pretty" i look every day.

kinda nice for a pregnant lady in sweatpants to have her own personal confidence-boosting team. who cares if they don't really understand it?!
so husbands- teach your children to love and respect mom, but don't forget to teach them to shower her with praise and gratitude, too. it should be like mother's day EVERY day. moms need it wherever they can get it. and teach them lay it on THICK. like it's supposed to be.

that's what I'M talking about.

more diversity, please

*you'll have to excuse the seemingly converse nature between my last post on target's fineries and a post today with thoughts on race and ethnicity in america. although i may seem schizophrenic or batty, i must remind and assure you that this blog represents my mind and it's many wanderings, for better or worse :)

in asking you all what you wanted to hear about from me next (okay, this was a LONG time ago now. months. better late than never?), it was unamimous that i must talk more about the "john legend" experience. or my ramblings on diversity, my obsession with culture and ethnicity, my affinity for black people, my desire to some day foster (and hopefully adopt) children that don't look like mine, and the fact that even just writing that makes me worry that it's already such a white person thing to say. and that i already sound weird or ignorant.

so first- a disclaimer post (and tomorrow, we'll talk more about babies and fostering and the such):

i love diversity. and by love, i mean adore. my fear in writing is that my posts on this topic may not come across the way i want them to. or maybe they will. but i am going to write anyway, because my heart demands it and so do you. i do not, however, want to trivialize or understate the overwhelming issues that we face in this world in light of culture, race, and ethnicity.

there is a lot of hate in this world.

there are people who hate african americans for being black and white people because they live in trailer parks. people don't see others the way God sees them. people compartmentalize other people because it makes us feel safe. what i'm attempting to say is what's in my heart, which is that my love...is for everyone (my problem might be that i like white people less and tiny afros more), and i don't care about country of origin or color of skin. equality is equality. i don't want people treating me a certain way because i'm a woman and i don't want people to think i'm stupid because i have blonde hair, AND i don't want people to stereotype how i see other cultures because i'm white, either. i mean...REALLY?!

in my opinion, the trouble is that our country is just...young. and ignorant. the united states is like a teenager who thinks they know everything, knows what's right for everyone, and can't do any wrong. that's why so many countries hate our guts. i mean, who likes teenagers (i mean that with love, teenyboppers)? there is so much baggage we still carry in 2010 as a result of how we've treated other people in our country, and what i want to know is why it can still feel premature or wrong to say we're all equal, even though we are. i feel like we are, but i try to see people how God sees them. and i'm white. which is not saying that because i'm white, i don't think there is inequality and i don't think there's racism- because i do, and there is. i just don't condone it or participate in it or agree with it or see any need for it as a white person. i tend to feel like no one wants to hear about oppression or racism from a white girl because frankly, i'm not up against racism and hatred like so many other cultures and races are. so many of us have it SO easy. heck, christians aren't even persecuted anymore! no one's banging my door down and killing me for going to church. i mostly wish i wasn't white, so i wouldn't have to feel so absurdly awful about the way my ancestors treated other humans. (way to go crusaders, awesome job bringing Christ to the world, by the way.)

i stole this quote from my cousin daina's blog, who lives in and writes of her experience living in jinotenga, nicaragua:

"homogeneity is sometimes mundane, other times a stimulus for prejudice."

i love this thought, and it's so true. how can we live in such a diverse part of the world and desire homogeneity? this is america- we're the melting pot, we're the place where freedom rings, where opportunity knocks. except we look through the peephole first because we're a bunch of haters (i'm using "we" loosely, here. i mean the generally "we"). i think we should fight the kind of assimilation that encourages people to take on american names or forget their culture's practices or holidays. that's whack.

and i want to be part of a generation who sees past color and background and class and status and just sees people. people who have feelings, who have desires, who have families, who have lives that are being lived simultaneously to ours. i celebrate differences. i WANT differences. we NEED differences. not just in culture and ethnicity, either. in mind and opinion, too. we were designed to live in harmony, at peace with one another, but our sin and our greed and our hatred and our ambition have gotten in the way. acceptance is what we need. judgement is not.

straight up, all we need is love. the beatles were totally right. and for real? i love me some non-white babies. we'll talk more about that tomorrow :)

i leave you with this: i recently read that "cultural diversity is a driving force of development, not only in respect of economic growth, but also as a means of leading a more fulfilling intellectual, emotional, moral and spiritual life."

what do you guys think? i want your thoughts!
ALL OF THEM. NOW!

"the Newport experience"

So our night away was simply charmed.
Perfect.
Fabulous.
Romantic.
Restful.
Fun.
Pretty much everything we ever could have hoped for in one short night. Some photos...

Here is Dave in the room we got upgraded to...pretty much four times the size of our original room. WITH an ocean view. What a little blessing :)

The Narragansett Bridge, umm, out our window...

Per the concierges suggestion of where to find delicious food, we headed down to Bannister's Wharf to eat at the Clark Cook House. And we sat next to the fireplace, so that pretty much made my night.

Ambiance? Check.

Perhaps some of the best salmon I've ever had. The crab cakes were good, too, although I still think I make a meaner crab cake at home for, like, an eighth of the price. Just sayin.

Later on we stopped in at The Pelham for a drink and to hear the Kulprits cover some sweet 90's music.

Thames Street on one of those warmish, breezy, rainy, beautiful nights. You know those nights??

And last stop was this room at OceanCliff, in the very same spot we said our vows five years ago. I have to say that this time it was somehow more meaningful after five years of a life spent together. Plus, Davey said all kinds of romantic, heartfelt, and complimentary things to me. C'monn, you can't go wrong with romance, people.

And I leave you with some shots around the hotel.

I kinda wish this mirror was here when I got married. It's stinking beautiful!

All in all, a great night away, a great husband, and seriously- a great life. And a very special shout out to my sister for holding down the fort with her kids AND my kids. For almost 24 hours. Like whoa.

So everyone: renew your vows. Every year. Do it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

11.14.04

11.14.04.

Was that really FIVE years ago?!
Here are some wedding pictures to commemorate the best move ever made by yours truly, next to investing in that black pair of theory pants. just kidding. Here is a selection of my very favorites :)
(And thanks for all the anniversary wishes, guys. BEST anniversary EVER. i'll be sharing some photos of our Newport experience on Monday, so be sure to check in!)



me and my neices, Caley and Madey

Narragansett Bay. The view from OceanCliff.

I had my tailor bustle the back of this dress more, because I simply ADORE bustling. It wasn't widely vaialble 5 years ago at my price point, but now it's everywhere. Of course. It's alright-10 years, I'll get married again (renew my vows, people.), and maybe I'll be able to find a Monique Lhuillier knock off so I can have all that lace I always wanted! :)

Me and Lee and Ams

Windy was an understatement :)

me and my dad

we do...glady

me and sister

Happy 5th to one amazing husband.

we love african babies

no, but seriously, though.

and not just african babies, but babies from all over the world who need loving parents to take them into their home and love them to bits and bits. my lovely blogger friend, leigh, and her husband, gray, are raising money to adopt a baby from ethiopia. you can read more about them here.

here's the fun and fabulous part- you can help them and win AMAZING (many hand made) items in their giveaway fundraiser. for every $5 you donate (super easily through paypal) you get one entry towards one of the many different giveaways on their website (check out the goods! and there's so much more on the way in the weeks to come!). all you have to do is donate, then comment under the giveaway you like with your name and some way to contact you, and you're in the runnings!

james 1:27 says "religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

there are some people who don't understand adoption (which puzzles me- what could be more sacrificial and Christ-like than bringing a child into your home? but some people are just ehh), and i said to leigh- 'what better way to care for orphans than to bring them into your home and raise them as your own?' i know that God is pleased when people open their homes to care for others and just love them. and that's real.

so their story stirs my heart, and if you are looking for an opportunity to help or support a worthy cause, check out their giveaway and start donating! just don't add entries to any of the things i want, okay? ;)

happy father's day, love.

dave always gets embarrassed when i write gushy or complimentary things about him in my blog. since i'm in love with him, and he's the most amazing man i know, not writing complimentary and gushy things proves difficult.

since today is father's day, i can get away with writing about him. so i'm going to. and he can't stop me!

dear husband,
i'll try to keep this relatively brief, but you make it impossible. as my partner in this life, i honestly feel privileged to be raising kids along side you. before we were even dating, i knew you'd be a great dad. it's one of the things that attracted me most to you. you just have "it"...whatever that "it" is. and that "it" is something very special- more of a gift than a talent or a skill.

one of the things i love the most is your willingness to participate in raising our kids. there are no tasks you consider "mine" because i'm the mother. there is no area of interest when it comes to raising kids that you aren't interested in. you want what's best for your kids, and you want to read about/talk about/find out about whatever those best things are. parenting to you (and with you) is exciting and joyful. it's a relief to a mom, knowing that she has someone who's got her back, who will step in and give her a break, who will take a turn, who is always involved and invested.

on top of all that, you're fun and playful, and you really enjoy spending time with your kids. it's so amazing to watch you with elias and piper. the way they adore you makes me adore you even more. i love listening from the other room as you and elias sword fight or play chess. and i love how every time piper sees you she reaches for you and snuggles up into your chest. i love how you enjoy teaching them new things, and i am in awe of your patience with them. i especially love how you've taught elias to compliment my cooking and tell me i look pretty. he'll make a great husband and father some day because of you :)

so for every story you read, every skill you impart, every teaching moment, every game of baseball, every venture out fishing, every peek-a-boo, every paino lesson, every tickle-tackle, every snuggle, kiss, and hug, i am forever grateful. not only that my children know you, but that they are fortunate enough to have your genes and be raised by you. you are man i respect greatly and love deeply. and i know our children will feel the same.

happy father's day, handsome. i hope you enjoy today as much as we all enjoy you.

xo, mama, jason bay/elias, and pipski

a revolutionary named Jesus.

i sat outside this morning with piper, and elias, and a book.

elias ran around the yard, digging in dirt, crawling on dirt piles, getting dirty. that's what he does. piper sat on a blanket with me and smacked toys and smacked me. that's what she does.

and i...opened a book that was on my book list called "the irresistable revolution" by shane claiborne (thanks, kate!)

and i can NOT put it down. i want to be reading it even now as i type.


all i want to say in light of good friday is that jesus made a sacrifice that is very real. HE was very real. following him is not meant to make us feel safe, or comfortable, or good.


i become more and more uncomfortable with my "possessions" and my sinfulness and my "normalness" as i read more about what Jesus said and taught and how he lived.


and i become more and more enchanted the more i picture this man who is also fully God. who is everything we hoped for, but nothing we expected. the one who would suggest that to become the greatest, we would need to become the least. that it's not okay for us to just love the people who deserve it, who we like, who don't ruffle our feathers, who aren't dirty, or annoying, or needy.

but that we must love everyone. especially the least.

if he could die for every one of us, it's the least we can do to show this world a little love, Jesus style.

so today i'm thinking about what it really means to be part of the church, the church of this world, a community of believers. and i feel really blessed to know a God who forgives, who is the picture of justice and unfailing love, and it makes me want to be a better person.

and today, i'm relishing in Jesus' life as a revolutionary, what he can teach me about how to live and love, and what his sacrifice represents for us all.

thought for the day

today i just feel really really blessed to have happy, healthy children. i just can't even for one moment take it for granted that they have cheerful dispositions and well-functioning little tiny bodies.

that's all.

that and i stinking love them to bits and bits.

or as elias would say "love you moon and back, round the world, to bottom deep blue sea, 'nother gaxy (galaxy), a most!"

well said, my little man.