productivity

i read a great book years ago called "having a mary heart in a martha world" by joanna weaver. it talks about the story of mary and martha, and about how martha sat at the feet of Jesus while martha ran around like a chicken with its head chopped off trying to get a meal together for her guest. most the time, i think moms feel like martha, like "holy crap, Jesus is at my house, and it's a mess, and i've got to whip up something delicious, fast, and look at mary, just kicking back, talking to Jesus. awesome, mary, i hate your guts." now, had martha been thinking, she'd have been like "Jesus, can you whip up some food and some wine so we can get this party started properly?" but, hey, maybe that's just me. what Jesus taught martha was the better thing is to have a heart like mary, which was a heart that knew that the right priority in that moment was to sit next to the great Teacher, not cook.

thinking about this lately has made me realize the priority for me has to be the baby i'm carrying, my children, my husband, and my faith. nothing more, nothing less. it's important for me to rest, and it's okay to rest. and it's important for to me to be able to feel well enough that i don't want to rip someone's head off or scream at them, which is essentially what i want to do, altogether too much (like tonight, when it was 6:45, and i hadn't yet fed my kids dinner {yes, because i was painting} and someone apparently spilled greasy greek dressing all over the floor in the kitchen AND the foyer. and walked all in it and tracked it around because silly me, i thought it was water that had been tracked in. so i had to wash the floors. and THEN make dinner. and try to put my kids to bed before 10:00. aaahhh, one can only laugh...).

times like these have led to me being reflective on why it bothers me so much that i can't get a whole lot done beyond the basics (because when i can't, i chide myself and call myself lame, so i guess i'm a work in progress). as i thought about it, i realized i have this thing for productivity. it's sort of like crack for me. i like it, i want it, i need it. it is GOOD. now, don't confuse productivity with busyness. i do NOT like to be very busy. productivity is different. it's efficiency. input. output. it's when i can accomplish ridiculous amounts of things in short periods of time, especially lurking, looming items on my to-do list, or things i've been dying to get to. it's part of my genetic code, this desire for being productive.

so you can imagine what it's been like for me the past 3 months, feeling nauseous (times infinity) from sunrise to sunset, and not really going (or wanting to go) above and beyond the basics of feeding and diapering my children. i don't want to do laundry, dishes, make phone calls, send emails, clean my house, make meals, play with children. ANYTHING. despite my very genetic makeup, i simply cannot be productive. i want to lay. on the couch. in silence.

you can also imagine THAT'S probably not going to happen. unfortunate and frustrating when you sort of want to throw up everywhere, but you can't. and won't. and then you have to...live life and nurture others. and treat them with kindness. and love. and patience.

so then, i'll bet you can also imagine how ECSTATIC i am, because for the past 48 hours, i've been motivated! i feel (sort of almost) like myself, ish. am i still feeling sick? well, yes. but i feel like God has divinely intervened and blessed me with enough extra energy and esprit to bring me just a little bit of the joy and satisfaction i get from being able to clean the house, cook meals, do laundry, and heck, paint my living room! (more on that soon. it IS fabulous!) i cannot explain it any other way, because nothing is different. right now, at 9:36 pm, i feel gross. same gross that i felt at 9:36 am. but that's just it- it's not me that's doing it. it's him IN me.

despite a social and work agenda for the month that is absolutely staggering and on the verge of overwhelming (doctors visits for me and e, girls night out, work, couples group meetings, friends visiting from WA [canNOT wait], art gallery openings [also ecstatic], mother's day, an open church meeting, a car wash/bake sale fundraiser [more on that to come], graduation parties, eli's birthday party, and a 7-day trip to florida with two small children (which i have BARELY considered), somehow, God is giving me peace. AND energy. honestly, i'm exhausted just thinking about this month, it's true, and part of me wants it to be june (please?). i'm too quick to forget how many things are not in my hands (ahem, all of them) and i've been grateful that God's been teaching me to focus on the right priority. to be satisfied doing much, and doing little. to sit at his feet, and also to accomplish what i need to, when i can. just not when he's visiting. i mean, let's not be rude when Jesus stops by, right? ;)

black and white and grey

although this may come as a shock to you, being that i'm a pastor's wife and all, i'm not a big fan of what people refer to as "devotions" or daily quiet time. now, that doesn't mean i don't agree with the principle behind it or the need we have to be disciplined. i'm with those things. we need quiet. we need focus. we need to read the Bible. i'm just not into the legalism that comes with "devotions" an the guilt that creeps in each time we don't sit every single day and do our "due diligence". i actually just like the idea of wanting to read the Bible, whether it's every single day or not doesn't matter. i like the idea of actually studying it when i can, and doing my best to talk to God as constantly as possible.

sounds good, right?

excepttt, i'm not super-great at it.

as moms, as humans, really, it's almost against our nature to do what is best for us, what is right for us. even if we want to or even enjoy that thing (in spiritual matters, i mean). our hearts and minds are pulled constantly away from God and distracted easily (and even intentionally) by any number of things. we sometimes even like putting other things before God or in place of God, and it's a shameful struggle so many of us secretly battle alone. i was reading my friend jessi's blog recently and reading it stirred up a challenge for me personally to study more and read more. to not let my day get the best of me, to not rest on the laurels of motherhood and the challenges it presents, but instead make a choice. make a decision to live better and more fully the life i WANT to live.

and for me, that life requires more Jesus and less michelle. more focus and less distraction. more time and less excuses. more Bible and less laundry. (now we're talkin!!)

enter: a little study on john 14 with the help of http://bible.org.

at this point in my spiritual walk, almost decades into my faith, just straight reading the Bible isn't enough anymore. not because i've read it all, because i haven't. or because i know it all, because i definitely don't. mostly because i want to REALLY know what was written on those ancient manuscripts, and since i don't quite know hebrew or greek, in my opinion, when reading current translations of the Bible, a LOT gets lost in translation, if you will. and honestly, words can become all too familiar when you've heard or read certain things again and again. so for me, i really like to read with a commentary when i can (and i really can't and don't always), to get a fuller meaning on what i read. and more often to help me understand what i'm reading, because for real, Jesus talks circles around us common folk with His double-meanings, parables, metaphors, and the like.

i just want to share a few thoughts that challenged me this morning and i'll probably only get through one of the verses in this posting. the rest i'll come back to if you want to continue studying with me :)

i tend to feel like the book of john can be one of the more challenging books in the Bible, mostly because there are so many

of Jesus'

teachings , which to me are some of the most important and most fascinating to read. here's what the commentary had to say (in yellow), and some questions for us all:

John 14:6 "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through me." This is a verse that a lot of people aren't big fans of, eh? In our world, many people believe that there are a lot of different was to "get to" God, even that there are more than one God. For me, the jury is still out on how "generous" God is in terms of whom he'll allow into his Kingdom and not. For me it's complicated, not just black and white, or "you're in, and you're out". We'll get back to that later.

Initially we might suspect a copula (word linking subject and predicate) with three predicates...the first would be

similar to John 10:7, 9: “I am the door”—that is, the way of entrance. The second would relate to Jesus’ statement in 8:31-32, “you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” The third sounds similar to 11:25, where Jesus says “I am the resurrection and the life.”

However, the context suggests that the three ideas are not strictly coordinate. The next statement (“no one comes to the Father except through me”) seems to relate primarily to the first predicate, “I am the way”. Thus we suggest that the two remaining predicates, the truth and the life, are epexegetical or explanatory to the first: “I am the way, that is, the truth and the life.”

But what does this mean? Jesus is the way—the only avenue of access to the Father and thus to salvation (the “door” of 10:7, 9)—because he is the truth (the sole revelation of the Father who is the end and goal of the journey—cf. 1:18). Note that this is not, in context, an ontological (relating to or based upon being or existence...umm, very philosophical) statement but a statement of who Jesus is in relation to men.

Jesus is also the way because he is the life—the source and giver of the life from above. Just as in the original creation he was the giver of physical life (see John 1:3-4. The "Word" being Jesus, his presence at the beginning of the creation of all things. Jesus always was, just as God always has been), so in the new creation he is the giver of life from above (cf. 3:5-8). Again, this is a description of Jesus in terms of his relation to men (10:10). Brown remarks: “It is noteworthy that zwhv, “life,” which occurs thirty-two times in the Book of Signs (the first few chapters in the book of John), occurs only four times in the Book of Glory (the last couple chapters in the book of John). Now that “the hour” is at hand, life is actually being given and need not be talked about.”

i guess i just enjoyed the thought that Jesus is the Way BECAUSE he is the truth, he IS truth. and that He alone gives us life in his death. and that in his truth, we find freedom. that in the beginning he gave life, and in his death gives NEW life, and NEW freedom that is only possible through Him. as i mentioned before this rouses an interesting debate, though mostly (not entirely) between non-christians and christians about whether Jesus is exclusively "the Way" to God. i have my own thoughts and opinions on this, but i really want to hear yours.

for me, the Bible isn't something i feel i need to protect and guard. it's been around for centuries for a reason. it doesn't need me to help it stand up against questions and curiosities. jesus told the disciples later in John that the Holy Spirit would continue to teach them after he was gone. truth is, those who don't have the Holy Spirit will struggle to understand the truths of the Word. heck, i struggle with them. all i do know is that what the Bible contains changes lives and teaches love and a better way to be. i'm not afraid to ask questions that will help me understand my faith more and challenge me to grow in my faith. that's what questions do. that's how Jesus taught, no? by asking questions.

so what do you think?? believer or not- do you feel like Jesus is THE Way?

are you black?

are you white?

or are you in the grey?

read this book

okay, i have a handful of half-written blogs, and i just have too many ideas, too many thoughts, too many house projects, and too many vacation photos to get them finished. i am literally my own worst enemy sometimes because i just am incapable of being brief or inexhaustive. i have an acute ability to make blogging painstaking. lol. someone save me from myself!

so. i've been reading a lot of good books in the past few weeks, and i'm almost done with my music, movies, & books posts (when you read them you'll see what i mean about my attention to detail problem), but i have to inject a book plug before my actual post because this book is so necessary. especially for "christians" but not exclusively. the message of this book is poignant for any one who considers themself spiritual or religious in any regard, and for those who have been hurt or turned off by "christians" or "the church" at large. this book feels like the pinnacle of unarticulated thoughts that have been in my heart and mind for months...even years.

so here is my plug. go buy this book. then go read this book. NOW. right now. this minute. and then tell me what you think.

what, you need more than me telling you what to do? ;) geesh. okay. here is a spot of the co-author on cnn talking a bit about the book. the book is refreshing, smart, well-written and researched, and EXACTLY what any Jesus follower ought to be thinking and feeling, in my opinion. i'm SO over people in the media giving my faith a bad name. and i'm SO over people who call themselves christians being obsessed with politics, "saving people," all the while hating gays and having too much to say that has nothing to do with what Jesus taught. i'm sick of christian jargon, christian marketing, and psychotic anti-abortion protesters. DONE with it.

it's time for a new generation of "the Way" and the Way is not about agendas or activists or "us vs. them". eew.

it's about loving people, accepting people, helping people, being real, and being the change we want to see. like gandhi said, man.

so despite myself, something just came surging out, even if it's not concise or witty or well thought out. i don't even care. that's how important i think this book is for the future of believers and those we know and love.

so has anyone already read this book? anyone have any thoughts on "christians" they want to throw out there?

something to chew on

for the past month or so, dave and i have been reading the cost of discipleship by dietrich bonhoeffer together each night after dinner. i don't know how many of you are familiar with bonhoeffer, but he was a brilliant, courageous, godly martyr who lived in the early 1900's. and when i say brilliant, i mean, blow your mind, hurt your brain type stuff.

thing is, i just can't begin to blog about him, because he is everything i can only aspire to be, and he never thought of himself as anything special (which makes me feel like i have a whole heck of a lot to learn about humility). he's like one of those songs on american idol that simon says is "too big" for the contestant to sing.

so i'm not going to sing.

but i will share a bit that he wrote in our reading the a while back that i really loved:

"so many people come to church with a genuine desire to hear what we have to say, yet they are always going back home with the uncomfortable feeling that we are making it too difficult for them to come to Jesus. are we determined to have nothing to do with all these people? they are convinced that it is not the Word of Jesus himself that puts them off, but the superstructure of human, institutional, and doctrinal elements in our preaching. of course we know all the answers to these objections, and those answers certainly make it easy for us to slide out of our responsibilities. but perhaps it would be just as well to ask ourselves whether we do not in fact often act as obstacles to Jesus and his Word. is it not possible that we cling too closely to our own favourite presentation of the gospel, and to a type of preaching which was all very well in it's own time and place and for the social set-up for which it was originally intended? is there not after all a sense of truth in the contention that our preaching is too dogmatic, and hopelessly irrelevant to life?"

it just strikes me that "the church" faces the same struggles now as it did a century ago. and before that even, i'm sure. he's a little harsh with believers, but i like it. SAY something. i want to THINK. i want to be CHALLENGED. what can we do better on? how can we show the love of Christ to people? what "works" in a church setting? what do people dislike about "christians"? how can we look different and be different than people expect?

in the memoir written about bonhoeffer by g. leibholz, he said "Bonhoeffer stood for what is called Christian Humanism to-day. For he offered his life for a new understanding of the personal life which has its roots in the Christian faith. (...) To Bonhoeffer, Christianity was not the concern of the believing, pious soul who shuts himself up and keeps himself within the bounds of the sacramental sphere. No, according to him Christianity has its place in this world and the Church as The Body of Christ, and the fellowship in him can only be the visible Church."

i love bonhoeffers thoughts on spiritual vitality and his honesty as a believer...nevermind the strength and conviction he held in circumstances that were truly detestable. situations that you and i will likely never have to face, and can't actually imagine. as believers, we really aren't persecuted around here anymore. we're safe in america to be lazy, comfortable, and mediocre. we just add God to our lives like he's an ingredient in our little recipe when He created baking. we're so lame. following Jesus is a way to live and think and act. it's not something to try to fit into the life you feel like living. but that's what we do. i do it. you do it. even though we know better...

okay. that was a rant.

but in all honesty, i am just grateful God created people like dietrich bonhoeffer to challenge me in my faith. i get lost in motherhood so easily. i mean, in the time i've written this, elias has woken up piper from her morning nap after a mere hour, made a ridiculously huge mess with play-doh, and then went on to feed some play-doh to piper. (thank god it's non-toxic. ay-yi-yi.)

as a mom, i need to remember to nurture and feed my brain so i don't start thinking dora the explorer and lightening mcqueen have all the wisdom of the world. it's not always easy :)

anyone else out there finding anything challenging to chew on these days?