productivity

i read a great book years ago called "having a mary heart in a martha world" by joanna weaver. it talks about the story of mary and martha, and about how martha sat at the feet of Jesus while martha ran around like a chicken with its head chopped off trying to get a meal together for her guest. most the time, i think moms feel like martha, like "holy crap, Jesus is at my house, and it's a mess, and i've got to whip up something delicious, fast, and look at mary, just kicking back, talking to Jesus. awesome, mary, i hate your guts." now, had martha been thinking, she'd have been like "Jesus, can you whip up some food and some wine so we can get this party started properly?" but, hey, maybe that's just me. what Jesus taught martha was the better thing is to have a heart like mary, which was a heart that knew that the right priority in that moment was to sit next to the great Teacher, not cook.

thinking about this lately has made me realize the priority for me has to be the baby i'm carrying, my children, my husband, and my faith. nothing more, nothing less. it's important for me to rest, and it's okay to rest. and it's important for to me to be able to feel well enough that i don't want to rip someone's head off or scream at them, which is essentially what i want to do, altogether too much (like tonight, when it was 6:45, and i hadn't yet fed my kids dinner {yes, because i was painting} and someone apparently spilled greasy greek dressing all over the floor in the kitchen AND the foyer. and walked all in it and tracked it around because silly me, i thought it was water that had been tracked in. so i had to wash the floors. and THEN make dinner. and try to put my kids to bed before 10:00. aaahhh, one can only laugh...).

times like these have led to me being reflective on why it bothers me so much that i can't get a whole lot done beyond the basics (because when i can't, i chide myself and call myself lame, so i guess i'm a work in progress). as i thought about it, i realized i have this thing for productivity. it's sort of like crack for me. i like it, i want it, i need it. it is GOOD. now, don't confuse productivity with busyness. i do NOT like to be very busy. productivity is different. it's efficiency. input. output. it's when i can accomplish ridiculous amounts of things in short periods of time, especially lurking, looming items on my to-do list, or things i've been dying to get to. it's part of my genetic code, this desire for being productive.

so you can imagine what it's been like for me the past 3 months, feeling nauseous (times infinity) from sunrise to sunset, and not really going (or wanting to go) above and beyond the basics of feeding and diapering my children. i don't want to do laundry, dishes, make phone calls, send emails, clean my house, make meals, play with children. ANYTHING. despite my very genetic makeup, i simply cannot be productive. i want to lay. on the couch. in silence.

you can also imagine THAT'S probably not going to happen. unfortunate and frustrating when you sort of want to throw up everywhere, but you can't. and won't. and then you have to...live life and nurture others. and treat them with kindness. and love. and patience.

so then, i'll bet you can also imagine how ECSTATIC i am, because for the past 48 hours, i've been motivated! i feel (sort of almost) like myself, ish. am i still feeling sick? well, yes. but i feel like God has divinely intervened and blessed me with enough extra energy and esprit to bring me just a little bit of the joy and satisfaction i get from being able to clean the house, cook meals, do laundry, and heck, paint my living room! (more on that soon. it IS fabulous!) i cannot explain it any other way, because nothing is different. right now, at 9:36 pm, i feel gross. same gross that i felt at 9:36 am. but that's just it- it's not me that's doing it. it's him IN me.

despite a social and work agenda for the month that is absolutely staggering and on the verge of overwhelming (doctors visits for me and e, girls night out, work, couples group meetings, friends visiting from WA [canNOT wait], art gallery openings [also ecstatic], mother's day, an open church meeting, a car wash/bake sale fundraiser [more on that to come], graduation parties, eli's birthday party, and a 7-day trip to florida with two small children (which i have BARELY considered), somehow, God is giving me peace. AND energy. honestly, i'm exhausted just thinking about this month, it's true, and part of me wants it to be june (please?). i'm too quick to forget how many things are not in my hands (ahem, all of them) and i've been grateful that God's been teaching me to focus on the right priority. to be satisfied doing much, and doing little. to sit at his feet, and also to accomplish what i need to, when i can. just not when he's visiting. i mean, let's not be rude when Jesus stops by, right? ;)

work it, mama

okay- so i'm not dead. dead tired? yes. but not dead.

as you all know i started a new job working part time for a family i nannied for when i was in college. kate and i stayed in touch and we all got together when we were vacationing in nantucket, one thing led to another, and now my sister and i are sharing a job doing housekeeping and some personal assistant-type tasks.

and i love it. i work every wednesday for as few as 5 hours and as many as 10 until the fall starts, then i'll be working 10 every week. but i've been party-planning for kate (she and the kids stay in their nantucket house for the summer) for her husband tucker's 40th birthday. meeting with catering companies and designers, addressing invitations, organizing her guest list and contacts and the like. very fun. but it's been quite monumental.

so i'm not dead. or missing. just missing in action, and way behind in my own life. laughably, actually. but it's all good.

so do you want to hear a funny story?

we are (were) working with this catering company called "the catered affair" and they work with another place called "party by design" and kate was thinking she'd throw this loungey, sexy party in her backyard (which is gorgeous) for 50-75 people. i meet with the people who make these things happen, we discuss what kate wants, yadda yadda. okay- so she's looking to spend about $10-15,000 on this party. sounds reasonable [well, not for everyone, of course. it's a little out of my league ;)] for a party with tents, lighting, bartenders, catered food, loungey furniture, etc. i figured they'll come in about double that, maybe at $25,000.

i DARE you to guess what their quote was. just try and guess...




over $65,000 PLUS alcohol.

!!!!!!!

can you even believe that? it's nuts man. suffice it to say, we're going in a new direction. check out this place- it's called "mooo" and it's on beacon hill. plan b it is!

so i want to be blogging, i miss writing when i don't have time, but i've been working every day party planning and momming, with no extra time to be found. i have been working on a culture blog but it's so epic, i'm going to have to break it up into a few i think. i'm excited about it. i'll probably have volume one posted tomorrow.

still/busy?

today i realized, not for the first time, however, that i am habitually and characteristically overzealous about "do-ing" and "working." i am literally on the verge of incapable of just sitting still. people always remark at how thin i am (which begs the question 'why are people so obsessed with weight?' but whatever, that's a blog for another day), and although i have my father to thank for a very fast metabolism, the real reason he and i (and many others i'm sure)are so thin is because we have a problem. and the problem is that we insist on always go-go-going and have a really hard time sit-sit-sitting.

in our couples group, we are going through "breaking free" by beth moore. she talks about the "captivity of activity" in the context of oppression and things we hide behind as Christians. and although i never intentionally hide in activity, i still feel like i am much more comfortable with projects and things to do. let's face it, as a mom, there's literally ALWAYS an overwhelming amount of things TO do, aren't there? and if we're being really honest, don't we kind of like being able to hide behind our kids schedules or their needs?

the thing is, being busy is a choice.

my husband reminds me of this frequently. he'll whisk me away from whatever i'm doing just to sit. and it almost takes someone physically removing me from what i'm doing. whether it's washing the floor on my hands and knees at 10:00pm or raking up zillions of rocks, sometimes you just need to take a minute and be still. nothing is going anywhere. trust me, that food on the floor under the highchair? it's gonna be riiighhttt there waiting for you. and those dishes and that laundry and those errands and that email and that phone call? they'll be waiting too.

i think i struggle with knowing that there is much value in stillness, and putting that knowledge into practice. knowing what i know and doing what i know is sometime where i get tripped up. it's hard for me to be still. i have a lot of energy and i thrive of "getting things done" but those are called excuses. the more i live, the more i realize that certain things can wait, and certain things have weight. it's really a question of what's important.

dave always says that you can see what things you value by seeing where you spend the most time. i spend a great deal of time with my children and my husband...but how much time do i spend with Jesus? how much time do i spend in stillness? how much value do i place on knowing what God wants for me? how much time am i actually LISTENING instead of TALKING? these are the questions that matter most.

so instead of raking up the zillions of rocks this morning (zillions is not an overstatement, by the way) i decided to clean out the kids pool (okay, sort of still a task, but it was full of sand) and let them splash for a bit. and then i made lunch and we all ate on the porch together. and i'll tell you this much- that was FAR more satisfying than raking rocks. because you all know that while you try to do and do, your kids make it impossible because of their needs/wants/demands, and if you're anything like me, you get really aggravated and frustrated at them, and then NO ONE is happy. especially YOU.

so i'm working on my expectations still, being a go-go-go type of mom, and working on how to be genuinely satisfied with accomplishing absolutely nothing. because with Christ, that is very possible. God does not value what we value, and although there are many things in our lives that have to get done, we can do those things with love and purpose, as if we're doing them for Jesus himself, OR we can just do-do-do it all by ourselves, and quickly notice that our efforts go unnoticed, unblessed, and are mostly stressed. no rhyming intended.

there will always be things to do, but there won't always be people to do it for. and there is much more value in stillness than in busyness, isn't there?

so...still busy?