a joyful sorrow

my uncle randy passed away in his sleep early thursday morning.

it's funny, i had expected that whenever i'd get that news, i would really lose it. somehow, all i feel is an incredible peace. sadness, too, but there is a lightness i feel that i didn't expect.

his wake is today, and i'm pretty sure that's when my emotions will catch up with my logic and reason. i'm really going to miss him. he had the most amazing sense of humor, a big heart and man, he was just...lovable.

on monday, when my sister and i heard he had taken a turn for the worst, we sat down and wrote to him, in case we wouldn't be able to see him before he passed away. i am SO glad we did, and that his boys could read the notes to him. knowing that he smiled when he heard what we wanted to say really gives us both peace and closure.

that's probably one of the hardest things about loss...there's just so much you want to say, so much they need to know...

i still am not sure where randy stood with the Lord, but i do hope they had a chat or two while he pondered life and grace and hope and peace. i hope those things pointed him to back to his Creator.

this week i've really been relying on phillipians 4:4-7

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

i know that there is nothing outside of God's control, and though we may hope and pray for circumstances to go a certain way, we cannot always understand the vast knowledge of God and his purposes, nor his desire to teach us, love us, protect us, and help us, always drawing us closer and closer to him.

even though it seems impossible, God can be glorified in all things and through all things. even death.

so today i will say goodbye once more to a man i've known my entire life. a man who loved me, who gave me good advice, who listened, who made me laugh, who put carpet in my apartments, who tucked wads of cash into my back pockets, who celebrated holidays with my family, who played with me, who taught me things, who had so much life in him that you couldn't help but enjoy his very presence.

and i hope to honor and celebrate his life by remembering him.

"Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law." Romans 13:7-8